Views from the Nosebleeds: 2016 NFL Regular Season, Week 5

Whoever scheduled Game 2 of the NLDS matchup between the Dodgers and my hometown  Nationals for a 1:08 p.m. pitch was trying it.  First and foremost, didn't they know it's football season?  Second, and more important, didn't they know the Battle of the Beltway between Washington's NFL team and the Ravens was also kicking off at 1 o'clock?  Third, why would they torture a hardcore football fan like me by forcing me to flip between FOX, NFL RedZone and FS1?!?!  It's bad enough when I have to estimate how long commercials breaks last when I'm flipping back and forth between FOX and NFL RedZone, but throwing a third channel in the mix is overkill.  Thank God the NFL games were all at halftime when catcher Jose Lobaton hit a three-run homer to give the Nats their first lead of the series.  Bottom line, although the sports fan in me loves the smorgasbord, I like my helpings to be more balanced.  Do better, MLB...do better.  Now that my bellyaching is out of the way and after needing a bye week for personal reasons, let's get to my long-awaited takes...

THE PLUS/MINUS TAKE OF THE WEEK: NO NEON IN PRIME TIME (-6).  For several years now, the NFL's product on Sunday, Monday and Thursday nights have struggled mightily, but the league won't come out and admit how putrid the product can be.  Now I could take an alley-oop from this October 3rd Brandon Katz contribution to Forbes about how the Steelers steamrolling the Chiefs to the tune of 43-14 led to the worst Sunday Night Football overnight rating (11.0) since 2007--which goes to show you how much the NFL has been winning on Sunday nights because there have been a lot of stinkers since the program's inception in 2006.  I could refer to a September 21st Sean Keeley article from Awful Announcing about how the Steelers-Skins Monday Night Football matchup was the least watched first-game-of-the-MNF-doubleheader since 2012 (7.7 rating, 13 million viewers) and the 28-donut beatdown by the 49ers over the Rams posted the worst rating for a follow-up game since 2008 (6.2 rating, 10.3 million viewers).  I could even show you Mike Florio's September 17th article in Pro Football Talk about how the Thursday Night Football season premiere between the Jets and the Bills posted a decline in ratings "of more than 25 percent" from last year's Broncos-Chiefs contest.

However, as an avid football fan, the writing has been on the wall: blowouts are boring.  On average, winners of MNF and TNF games have beaten their opponents by 17.5 PPG and 15.0 PPG, respectively--which included the Patriots' 27-0 drubbing of the Texans on TNF with third-string QB Jacoby Brissett at the helm.  Take away the Bears-Cowboys or Chiefs-Steelers games--the latter of which I looked at for all of five seconds before swiftly switching back to Nick at Nite--SNF has been the NFL's only competitive prime time product.  Unfortunately, outside of Jimmy Garoppolo's first win as a starter in Arizona in Week 1 and the Vikings' improbable victory over the Packers in Week 2, even the 11.0 PPG statistic is a bit misleading because the Packers' recent 23-16 win over the Giants was a lot less close offensively than the final score dictated.  The epitome of my frustration with the prime time matchups was the Dolphins and the Bengals on TNF in Week 4, which I knew would be a snoozer because 1) the Dolphins have been meh for years now and 2) Ryan Tannehill does next to nothing in prime time.  Prime time should be reserved for teams who have proven to be contenders, and if you ask me, one of these programs needs to go.  Despite enjoying the combination of Jim Nantz and Phil Simms the most out of the prime time announcing teams, TNF can still get the axe because 1) their games usually are boring AF and 2) it's on the same night as ABC's TGIT block and The Blacklist.  Two words, pro football: do better.

THE HOME FIELD ADVANTAGE TAKE OF THE WEEK: THANK GOD BRESHAD PERRIMAN IS NOT PIERRE GARCON.  Coming into today's "Battle of the Beltway" between the Ravens and that NFL team who technically plays in Landover, Maryland, Charm City had a one-game edge on the Nation's Capital.  For a while, it looked like business as usual as Joe Flacco and the Ravens offense moved right down the field for the game's first score.  On top of Terrance West gashing Washington's run defense (what else is new), the league's worst defense at getting off the field on third down continued that negative trajectory for the first half of the game.  However, four major plays led to the Ravens' undoing--two of them by the same player: 1) Joe Flacco put a deep ball on a rope to Breshad Perriman, but he couldn't make the catch; 2) Justin Tucker thought Duke Ihenacho's helmet was a pair of hands on a fake FG pass attempt to Crockett Gillmore; 3) C.J. Mosley undermines his heady INT with a boneheaded fumble on a TD attempt, which led to a touchback and a Dustin Hopkins 27-yard FG; and 4) Josh Norman was more aware of where Breshad Perriman's feet were on a waived-off TD catch than Perriman.

Although I'm happy the home team got it done, three things nearly killed their chances: 1) all of the failed 3rd and 1 or 3rd and short plays, especially not making an attempt to run in those situations; 2) three of Kirk Cousins' deep throws were a little too deep for his receivers, which has become an unfortunate trend; and 3) the wind taking away that Dustin Hopkins extra point.  However, the unit which unexpectedly bailed the offense out was the beleaguered defense, who reversed their aforementioned misfortunes by getting Flacco and the Ravens' offense off the field in key drives and tackled leaps and bounds better than they've done in the first four games of the season--especially that breath-stealing form tackle by Will Compton on Mike Wallace at the end of the game.  Moreover, special teams got it done once again as Jamison Crowder had an 85-yard punt return TD, Will Blackmon had a 45-yard kickoff return and Tress Way did what Tress Way does better than the majority of the league in landing punts not only inside his opponents' 20, but inside the 10 on several occasions.  Solid win, but they'll need to tighten up their running game and get DeSean Jackson more involved in a pivotal NFC East showdown with the Eagles at FedEx Field on Sunday.  Speaking of which...

SCRIBBLER'S GAME OF THE WEEK: DETROIT LIONS 24, PHILADELPHIA EAGLES 23.  Maybe it's because the Eagles are Mrs. Scribbler's favorite team, which doesn't offend me nearly as much as if she were a Cowboys fan like my ex-girlfriend who inspired the name of this blog.  Speaking of the Death Star, maybe I wanted the Eagles to win if only to stay ahead of "Dem 'Boys", although that would make things more difficult for the home team.  Maybe I'm a bit smitten with Carson Wentz, although I can't front on Dak Prescott.  Maybe I'm simply not a believer in the Lions being a serious contender in any given year.  Whatever the reason, I found myself legitimately frustrated when the undefeated Birds were down 14-0 at the end of the first quarter as it was The Matthew Stafford and Theo Riddick Show early.  Although "Wentzylvania" led them down the field for their first TD of the game, they were still down 21-10 at halftime after Matthew Stafford had one of the nicest throws of the weekend to Marvin Jones in the back of the end zone for a one-yard TD pass play.

In the second half, the Eagles' defense clamped down on Stafford (including a forced fumble in Lions territory), kept them out of the end zone and out of field goal range for 96 percent of the half.  Tack on a Wentz TD pass to Josh Huff and two Caleb Sturgis FGs and it looked like the Eagles were going to 4-0...until Ryan Mathews happened.  He had one job, but it seems like the Chargers' current misfortunes in the fourth quarter somehow made its way to Ford Field as their former first-round draft pick had a case of fumble-itis with 2:41 left in the game.  Next thing you know, Stafford drives the offense far enough to get in range for a 29-yard Matt Prater FG with 1:32 remaining to take a 24-23 lead.  Then talk about pressure busting pipes as the big talk regarding Wentz was how he hadn't yet thrown an INT in his professional career, but on the very first play of the Eagles' final possession, somebody must've had Beyonce's "Formation" playing somewhere as Darius Slay took Nelson Agholor's cookies as well as the Eagles' hopes of being one of two still-undefeated teams.  In the end, penalties and turnovers rarely add up to wins and they'll need to remedy those errors if they want to stay ahead of the Skins and keep pace with the division-leading Cowboys.  (I may have thrown up a little bit in my mouth as I typed that.  Sheesh.)

SCRIBBLER'S CHECKDOWNS:

• NE 33, CLE 13: why were people acting like Tom Brady was going to be rusty because of his four-game suspension as if he couldn't put up 406 yards and three TDs ON THE BROWNS???  It's Psycho Tom, slim.  Meanwhile, Cody Kessler is the latest victim of the Cleveland QB curse...maybe they're purposely not starting Terrelle Pryor because they wanna keep him at wideout;
• IND 29, CHI 23: in clutch time, count on either Andrew Luck to T.Y. Hilton for a big score or the kicker with the most amount of ice water in his veins in Adam Vinatieri.  As for the Bears, they're still better off with Brian Hoyer than Jay Cutler if you ask me; 
• TEN 30, MIA 17: to think this was a potential candidate for my game of the week along with the Bears-Colts game, but Marcus Mariota and the Titans defense happened and pulled away from the woeful Dolphins.  Looking like a two-horse race in the AFC East between the Pats and the Bills;
• MIN 31, HOU 13: let it sink in...the Vikings are 5-0...with Sam Bradford at QB...and he's healthy.  Despite losing both Teddy Bridgewater and Adrian Peterson, the Vikes might be playing better as a complete team than anyone right now.  As for the Texans, they're losing their grip on the AFC South--although it's a weak division anyway;
• ATL 23, DEN 16: I'm still not overly impressed with the Falcons defense, but their offense continues to get it done.  Flip side, I see why Trevor Siemian won the starting job because Paxton Lynch looked like a deer in headlights against a suspect unit;
• DAL 28, CIN 14: what's that, Cowboys fans...you say y'all shouldn't have drafted Ezekiel Elliott so high?  What's that again...you say you'd like your crow served medium well?!?!   Meanwhile, Dak Prescott is on a Tom Brady-like pace to begin his career in terms of being INT free;
• BUF 30, LA 19: I'm pulling for the Bills to do better and they're finally picking up the pace with the three consecutive and convincing wins.  As for the Rams, their red zone offense is struggling and turnovers killed them--especially on Nickell Robey-Coleman's back-breaking pick six;
• OAK 34, SD 31: although I'm glad my Raiders are tied for the AFC West lead, this is more about the Chargers blowing fourth-quarter leads and not catching a break in the clutch.  That hot seat for Mike McCoy and company has molten lava underneath;
• GB 23, NYG 16: there's only one take worth mentioning from this game: I was wrong about the Giants.  Granted, their defense played fairly well against the "bad man" in Aaron Rodgers--especially new acquisition Janoris Jenkins--but their offense is stinking up the joint.  My oh my how a loss to the home team turned the tables;
• TB 17, CAR 14: this breakdown is simple. First, contributing three of the Panthers' four turnovers, Derek Anderson proved why he's a backup. Second, despite the game winner, kicker Roberto Aguayo is looking like a second-round bust.  Get your rainy day stash up, bruh...

NEXT WEEK'S CHOP LICKERS:

• PHI (3-1) @ WAS (3-2), 1 p.m.: in a crucial NFC East showdown, a win for either team ensures second place behind the Cowboys whether they win or lose to the Packers.  Eagles have the better looking offense and defense, but so did the Ravens.  Should be another close game;
• KC (2-2) @ OAK (4-1), 4:05 p.m.: the Chiefs needed a week off after their putrid showing against the Steelers while the Raiders eked out a division win.  The viability of KC's stock in the AFC West is on the line, so I see them playing with some urgency to heat up this historically-bitter rivalry.  Memo to Alex Smith: target Sean Smith the whole game, bruh;
• DAL (4-1) @ GB (3-1), 4:25 p.m.: so remember that Tom Brady-like pace I mentioned Dak Prescott is on as he looks to protect his rookie records for most attempts without an interception?  If he leads the Cowboys into Lambeau Field and wins--which only twelve teams have been able to do in the Aaron Rodgers era--he needs to be the starter for the rest of the season regardless of Tony Romo's health--which would make him Drew Bledsoe;  
• ATL (4-1) @ SEA (3-1), 4:25 p.m.: both of these teams will get their biggest tests of the season as the league's No. 1 total offense faces off against the Legion of Boom's No. 1 defense in the "Bird Bowl".  If Atlanta goes into CenturyLink Field and steals a "W", then I'll believe they might be for real.  Don't see it happening, but it should be entertaining nonetheless.