"Love Is a Commitment, Not a Feeling"...Says Who???

Much like my last "RANDOM THOUGHT ALERTS!!!", another one of those "deep" relationship memes floating around Facebook has struck a nerve with me.  In a picture grid in the particular meme in question, a man is massaging his woman's feet on the left side of the grid and a woman is returning the favor on the right side.  The caption above the grid reads, "Choose to love each other, even in those moments when you struggle to like each other."  To this point, I'm wholeheartedly with this sentiment because whether it's your significant other, your friends or those one or two or five family members you want to choke slam from time to time, you must willingly decide to love that person regardless.  However, here's where they lost me: "Love is a commitment, not a feeling".  Let me be clear: I strongly agree with the former part of the quote, but I'm utterly annoyed when people echo the latter because it belittles and dismisses human emotions.  So here are my questions: how do you get to the commitment of loving without the feeling that makes you want to love and commit, and doesn't love encompass both feelings and commitments?  Well, let's try to answer these burning inquiries from several perspectives, shall we...

My first example doesn't involve a woman, but it's still a love story nonetheless.  In a picture taken at the old Sears on Alabama Avenue circa 1984--I know, I'm telling the heck outta my age--Big Little Brother Scribbler and I were dressed in Skins outfits.  Ironically, Broski has been a Giants fan since the late 80s and I doubt Big Dadi Scribbler (a 49ers fan since the late 70s) pulled the trigger on that wardrobe choice; meanwhile, sans a definitive team, I simply went with the flow.  However, when I watched Doug Williams overcome an abysmal offensive start, a frightening injury and his share of doubters en route to throwing a then-record four TD passes to beat John Elway and a highly-touted Broncos squad 42-10 in Super Bowl XXII, it was initially about love, admiration and a bit of Black pride.  Feverishly jumping and screaming at each touchdown pass and Timmy Smith's touchdown runs, I was excited, happy and over the moon about a team whose legendary home field was about 15 minutes from my uncle and aunt's house in Southeast D.C.  From that day, I decided to learn as much as I could about the players, devote as many Sundays and Mondays possible to watching the games, purchase jerseys, hats and other memorabilia and bleed Burgundy and Gold on top of becoming more well versed in the sport of football.  In the end, those feelings of indescribable joy and enthusiasm--especially knowing a man who looked more like me and fought against racial stereotypes was able to win at the highest level--brought about my commitment to that team for 23 years of my life.

So maybe a story about a franchise with a controversial name and a well-documented history of racism doesn't cut it, especially since I'm not outwardly a fan right now.  (In case you're bored enough to understand why, click here and here.)  Ponder this instead...being raised with and accepting the mindset of finding a steadier career path, I took the "safe route" with two "good government jobs"--including my ongoing twelve-year stint at the D.C. Courts.  Now don't get me wrong, I thank God for having the means to support my family and know plenty of people who wish they were employed somewhere they remotely like to come into every day--even if it's not their dream job.  With that said, remaining in a position for the last eight years in which I've grown disinterested has little to do with my feelings and more to do with my responsibility as and my commitment to being a dependable provider.  Conversely, in any of my creative endeavors, my commitment has always derived from my feelings of joy, excitement and fulfillment from expressing myself artistically.  When I spent entire Saturdays drawing Metrobuses and comic books, used my free time riding the real Metro to write poetry or sacrificed sleep to translate the sounds in my brain into tangible music compositions, the passion to create combined with the desire for improvement equated to a dedication taking little to no effort because I barely broke a sweat.  Then again, when you love something that much (or someone), work doesn't feel much like work because that inseparable feeling helps to fuel your enthusiasm as well as your commitment.

If you need more convincing, then let's approach this from a spiritual perspective.  Prior to 1993, Momma Scribbler tried her best to get my brother and I interested in God and going to church.  We bounced around between a few places of worship before we finally landed at St. Thomas More Catholic Church in Southeast.  Unfortunately, the experience didn't heighten my desire for a relationship with God because the Catholic experience was too routine and mundane for my taste--and I've felt the same way whenever I've gone to Catholic churches since then--and didn't stir up any feelings within me to bring me closer to God.  It wasn't until I was fourteen and began attending Redemption Ministries, a house-based church also in Southeast, when I began to genuinely connect with Him.   When I felt His presence in my spirit, which provided with an unlimited amount of joy, I went to church without my mother having to wake me up, read the Bible with a yearning to learn more about Him, prayed fervently every single night and eventually got baptized at sixteen.  Since then, the process of making a church my "home church" began with feelings of love in abundance, welcomeness and belonging, and the irresistible presence of God in His house of worship and ended with a commitment to receiving, learning and spreading His Word, engaging in invaluable fellowship and participating in purposeful stewardship.

If speaking more Biblically, then one of the most common references about the definition of love is outlined in 1 Corinthians 13.  Throughout that chapter, we see words like "patient", "kind", "protects", "trusts", "hopes" and "perseveres" being attached to what love is--all of which are more about commitment and less about feeling.  However, the following passage from 2 Corinthians 9:6-7 (ESV) brings something interesting to the table of discussion:

The point is this: whoever sows sparingly will reap sparingly, and whoever sows bountifully will also reap bountifully.  Each one must give as he has decided in his heart, not reluctantly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver.

Now although many Christians use this particular passage in relation to tithes and offerings, I interpret it as anything to which we give ourselves--God, spouses and significant others, family, friends, passions and purposes, jobs and careers, etc.  The excerpt of "as he has decided in his heart" correlates largely with commitment whereas "for God loves a cheerful giver" connotates both feeling and commitment.  When we commit ourselves to giving, God is more pleased when we give not simply because we're making the commitment to give, but also because we're pleased to do it--and being "pleased" ties in to feeling.  God doesn't want us to give of ourselves if there's hesitation or arm-twisting because it's not what we genuinely feel in our hearts, which goes against free will and undermines a thorough commitment.  Hence, you'd be hard-pressed to find people who don't feel the same way.

So how does this all relate to loving people?  I can only speak for myself, but before I choose to love someone in a romantic and intimate partnership, that love must begin with a series of feelings.  Whether positive or negative, my soul and my spirit respond to every component within that person's energy--which either draws me closer to that person in complete love, ardent infatuation or limited lust, or pushes me away altogether.  Furthermore, the strength or weakness of various feelings determines how easy or difficult it is for me to commit in those particular areas.  That's not to say I can't and won't commit merely because I don't feel certain ways about a person, but if anything I do while "in love" feels forced, contrived or unnatural, then it makes certain aspects of the overall commitment feel less like a joyful and willing choice and more like a strained and tedious chore.  Let's hypothetically say I'm single and I'm getting to know a particular woman.  When I take the time to carefully analyze the gamut of my emotions, I might realize I'm only physically or sexually attracted to her and she's a fun person, but neither one of us may take the other seriously in a relationship. Thus, the totality of her energy might not make me want to be her bestie or commit to something long-term, and making a compulsive decision to give my all to her might not be a cheerful exercise.  Therefore, the commitment falls flat because the feelings aren't there to propel me to that commitment.

On the flip side, commitment must always serve as the consummation of one's initial feelings.  As the perfect "non-living thing" example, there are plenty of days and weeks when I'm uninspired to write, a little dejected by the lack of engagement with my audience or bogged due the rigors of everyday life; thus, I might not feel like writing my blog.  However, I channel what it felt like the first time I wrote something with meaning outside of the classroom and remember how I challenged myself last December to write at least one post per week, which helps me push past temporary feelings toward everlasting commitment because writing is one of the many creative things I love to do.  Shifting gears, I have been able to hear every single sound Baby Boy Scribbler makes as clear as the waters of the Maldives since the day he was born--often to my chagrin first thing in the morning when I'm dog tired and don't feel like waking up to change him, make breakfast and help feed him before getting ready to travel for 90 minutes and work an eight-hour shift.  Despite the routine, I contemplate that joyful feeling of knowing I was going to be a dad as well as the first time I held my son in my arms, shake off my residual fatigue and get over my temporary feelings to stick to my permanent commitment of being the absolute best father I can be because I love that little boy.  At the end of the day, love is neither about feelings alone nor commitment alone; love is a package deal including but not limited to both.

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When people bastardize feelings in the name of love as if they're the bane of our existence, it manifests a lack of understanding when it comes to the range of human emotions.  In writing this post, I saw another meme featuring a "love vs. infatuation" graphic where "emotions" are on the side of "infatuation".  However, I don't agree with that assessment because most people who are in tune with themselves are well aware if what they feel is lust, infatuation or love.  Many things "feel good", but if you have a grasp of the emotional hierarchy and can manage your feelings, then something "feeling good" pales in comparison to something feeling right and fulfilling.  Now is love less about feelings and more about commitment?  Sure, I'll buy that because whereas feelings can be the vehicle getting you to love, commitment is the ultimate destination keeping you within love.  Nevertheless, I never have, currently do not and will never believe love is "not a feeling" because only asserting "love is a commitment" limits and contradicts the fullness of love's possibilities.  Besides, if God is synonymous with love like many of us believe He is, then isn't claiming we don't feel love also declaring we don't feel God?  Moreover, isn't the denigration of feelings in the bigger picture of love an insult to the One who not only gave us the unique power to feel, but also the power of discernment between fleeting and lasting feelings while still holding fast to our commitments?  No matter who or what you love, I don't believe you can have a commitment to love without the feeling of love or vice versa and call it "love".