A Friendly Game of Pick'em: Exploring the Inconsistency of "Harmless Jokes" on Social Media

This has not been an ideal Olympic run for Team USA's Gabby Douglas, the darling gymnast extraordinaire of the 2012 Summer Olympics in London.  Douglas was arguably robbed of defending her title in the individual all-around since each country can only send through two representatives in the final.  A costly mistake on a handstand along with other deductions not only kept her from getting a medal in the final on the uneven bars, disappointingly coming in seventh place.  Her only part in any medal was when the team notched gold in the team all-around, but during the medal ceremony, she was excoriated for not putting her hand over her heart during "The Star Spangled Banner" despite Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump doing the exact same thing and receiving little to no flack about it.  However, among Black women in particular, the constant ridicule since 2012 has been about her hair--which has been called "crunchy" and having dandruff while her edges have been criticized for being "straight disrespectful".  Of course, there have been a lot of folks running to her defense, saying things along the lines of "she's competing at the Olympics, while you're at home".

In the middle of this bitterly dichotomous argument, one of my friends from elementary school and former coworker raised one of the most salient and interesting points:

I find it funny that the same people saying "Let Gabby be great" because people (including me) have gone in on her hair. These are the most hypocritical people ever! These are the same women who cried for Bey to 'do something' to Blu's hair, or crack jokes about the black woman in the cubicle next to them or the girl at the store who had a bad weave. Why does Gabby get a pass but it's okay that everyone else gets clowned? F--k that. Her edges looked awful. I am not diminishing her accomplishments. That girl is great! But sorry...her edges are not.

While I'm still uncomfortable criticizing Douglas' hair because that has become the primary focus while her accomplishments have taken a back seat, my friend still exposed a double standard within social media, especially among Black people: the inconsistency behind who we defend and who we ridicule.  A lot of people will defend Douglas because she's "important" and "doing something", but there are no cut cards for those who aren't in her position and often did nothing to receive similar backlash.  Then there are those who are more like my friend and take the "it's all fair game/we all make comments about everything" approach when it comes to making fun of people whether "Black, white, yellow, male, female, other".  Considering all of this, here's the million dollar question: what is the fine line between "just jokes" and unsolicited, potentially hurtful commentary?

One of my good Facebook friends shared a blog post about Douglas' hair and one of his friends went on Twitter to defend her against many of her critics.  At first, I was like, "Somebody needs to put folks in their place."  Unfortunately, his defense involved stooping to their same level and tearing down many of her critics with comments like the following:

These fat unaccomplished b-----s can't walk a flight of stairs without wheezin' and don't go work out because they don't wanna sweat their hair out. Ole diabetes and heart disease having b-----s. Let these queens represent. Like the local hair salon is sponsoring them to Rio. Sh-- the f--k up.

He then proceeds to post a picture of one of the women who had cross comments and another person says, "She's a candidate for damn near every fat disorder."  He reposts the same picture further down in the comments and adds more harsh remarks like "sorry a-- brawds shaped like this" and "she gotta walk in the stall sideways".  Equally curious were the people who either liked his comments or praised him for his brutal candor.  While I understand the frustration with Black people once again tearing each other down--especially Black women, who are routinely told that they don't match up to the European "standard" of "beauty"--I cannot cosign that type of backlash because it completely undermines the intent and exposes a very hypocritical mindset.  It's not okay to talk about someone's hair because they're an athlete, but it's perfectly fine to hurt someone and make assumptions about their health because of their appearance simply because you're mad at them?  How is that much different from a White person who appears to be "down" calling a Black person a "nigger" because they're mad at them?  Anger is not an excuse to be equally as ignorant as the person or people with whose problematic opinions you take exception and this exemplifies crossing the aforementioned fine line because the intent is rooted in hurt; you can get at somebody without being a certified jerk in the process.

Another problematic trend in social media has been the establishment, celebration and elevation of the "ugly space".  Granted, the advent of social media didn't innovate this trend because calling people "ugly" and playing the "dirty dozens" has been happening long before I was a twinkle in Momma Scribbler's eye; the dilemma is that the boundaries have been blurred even more because of social media, if not eliminated altogether.  What having a personal social media account as well as these secret/closed groups has done is allowed many people to not only make fun of others at will, but has also given people carte blanche to be quasi-authorities on beauty standards.  An example of this is the "Say Something Nice" campaign that is clearly grounded in saying nothing kind about people with often ridiculed physical attributes such as huge foreheads, receding hairlines, big lips, dental "issues", questionable cosmetology choices, etc.  The problem with trends and memes along these lines is that many folks can ignore the possibility of deeper-seated issues that the victims of their jokes may possess.  See Shaquille O'Neal's shortsighted mockery on Instagram of Jahmel Binion (who suffers from ectodermal dysplasia) as one of the most disappointing exhibits--especially because Trey Burke, Waka Flocka Flame and others were said to have joined in on the teasing as well.  At some point, people have to stop hiding behind the "they're just jokes" wall of defense and exercise some emotional intelligence and common decency.  The crazy thing is that many of the people who are quick to call somebody "ugly" don't realize that they're not above reproach from somebody.

With that said, I cannot profess to be holier than thou because I have given people the business from time to time.  While I have never subscribed to using the word "ugly" because 1) I don't believe that there's a such thing when it comes to physical appearance and 2) I've been called that before and it hurt like hell, I have been known to call women to whom I'm not attracted "mud ducks".  I've been Quick Draw McGraw when it comes to women with imperfect or flat-out bad weave jobs, often referring to them as "dust bunnies".  Although I was annoyed with people talking about Gabby Douglas' hair, I didn't waste any time talking about Katie Ledecky's hairline.  In a group post that questioned the audacity of talking about Douglas while ignoring Ledecky being "Gawd ugly" and looking like a "Naked Mole Rat", I responded to a comment where someone said that "she has the hairline of a pedophile": "...that's pretty much what I was gonna say, but with the details of being a 35-year-old school teacher who splits her time on weekends between snagging 16-year-old peen and making egg salad sandwiches."  At the time, I was thought it was funny AF.  However, in hindsight, I cannot say that making such a tasteless joke about this amazing athlete and young woman--who is only a few days older than one of my second cousins, is swimming her tail off in record-breaking fashion and is from the same area as I am--was one of my finer moments.  Some people may have been ROTFLTAO at that joke and might even think, "Awww Dirk, lighten up...they're just jokes!"  Nevertheless, what might be "just jokes" to me or the rest of us might be another chapter of pain for someone else--especially when people can't control their natural hair texture, hairline or any other set characteristics.

###

Let me be clear: you all know I have a sense of humor and I can recognize what passes the "acceptably funny" smell test.  The Jordan crying face on endless memes = acceptable.  Shaunae Miller's dive for a gold medal in the 400 trending as meme bait = acceptable.  Bottom line, I am neither here to tell people what to do nor judge anyone for cracking on someone else while teeter-tottering on that thin line of being uncouth.  Every last person reading this blog has been guilty of making fun of someone without either realizing or caring at all whether or not it could potentially hurt their feelings.  It's easy for many of us to tell people to develop thicker skin or even laugh at the concept of "bullying", but considering the totality of what Gabby Douglas has dealt with during the Rio Olympics, none of us are in a position to tell anyone how to feel about what's being said about them.  I don't know one person on the face of this earth who hasn't dealt with that one "joke" that went too far, even the self-proclaimed "tough cookies" who usually tend to be "big softies" behind closed doors.  At the end of the day, my belief is simple: be consistent in what you classify as either "joke" or outright criticism, i.e., either "joke" about/"tear down" everybody or protect everybody.  As part of a statement of solidarity, one of my favorite Facebook friends and fellow writers said the following in response to Douglas' criticism: "I vow to be more kind and compassionate to other BW [Black women]. I vow not to be spiteful, petty or cruel. I vow not to speak about them in anger. I vow not to pick them apart or engage in backbiting. I vow to lift BW up with love and encouragement. I need other BW."  Although it will be difficult because the "we got that ignorant sh-- you like" side of me often laughs at borderline inappropriate things, I want to at least take the position of not initiating certain commentary because I'd rather not joke about somebody in a certain way and they couldn't care less than joke about them and potentially push them over the edge.