"This Is the Best You Can Do"...Says Who???

Until a recent desire to listen to Freddie Jackson's Just Like the First Time album, I never paid much attention to the lyrics of "Look Around".  I immediately recalled an argument ten years ago with the ex-girlfriend who inspired the New Problem Tuesdays brand.  With writing clearly on the wall, one of her last ditch efforts was this paraphrased declaration: "This is the best you're gonna get!  No one's gonna love you better than me!"  Considering our troublesome behavior, how many weekends I lost to mindless arguments and suffering frequent migraines, I had no desire to go down the same path as Big Dadi and Momma Scribbler during their twelve-year marriage and knew I could do better.  So in this semi-Valentine's Day edition of "Says Who???", I will discuss how these types of assertions can come across as presumptuous...

Coming from the "no one's gonna love you like me" angle, I'm about to be an eggplant emoji about it.  Momma Scribbler isn't going to love me in the same way Mrs. Scribbler will because the relationships with the two most important women in my life are totally different.  One of my best male friends isn't going to love me in the same way as one of my best female friends because 1) I can't talk about or do "guy stuff" with most women and 2) there has never been the possibility of "more" with a "Steve" versus an "Eve".  If we're arguing this from the intended angle, then it's as apparent as the "apples and oranges" examples, if not more.  Because people have different definitions of love based upon their life experiences, they tend to love in the way family, friends, community, religion, television, radio and the like taught him or her to love--be it good, bad or ugly.  Moreover, since none of us are exactly alike in our personalities, desires and aspirations, trains of thought, emotional capacities and intelligence, moral compasses and belief systems, there's no way one person can love like another because differences in the intricate details of their character makeup prevent them from doing so.  Hence, to tell someone "no one's gonna love you like me" is prone to generate a snarky "thanks for clearing the air on that one, Sherlock" response.

Furthermore, hiding behind the artfully-woven veil of saying "no one's gonna love you like me" is a bit of arrogance.  To be fair, making what can be perceived as a vanilla proclamation does not outright say "this is the best you can do"; again, it's on that "I'm different" tip as if you went from being named after a porn star to adding two new gold accessories to your swagger.  However, if we're using Jackson's lyrics as the guideline for this particular attitude, then it's based upon responding to someone whose visions of grandeur could lead them elsewhere than their current relationship.  Simply put, the line of thinking is this: "Oh, you're not happy?  You say it's you and not me, but still...why don't you feel the way you want to feel with me?  Do you honestly believe you can get this level of love elsewhere?  Well, take a good look around because anyone other than me is ill-equipped to love you like I love you because my way is special."  While I have no problem with asserting one's self in a relationship on the "I was made to love you" tip, being audacious to say something so obvious borders on conceit.  The attention is shifted from the person's right to change their mind or feel differently for whatever reason(s) to how much of an exclusive authority in love the person trying to salvage the relationship is or boldly claims to be.

However, nothing says "I'm throwing down the gauntlet" more than uttering things like "no one can love you better", "no one can love you more" or "this is the best you can do" because it's pompous.  On one hand, if someone is doing their job in a relationship, then it's a little more understandable why someone would dare to say that to a person in doubt.  Even then, I still believe 1) you shouldn't have to speak on how well you love someone by comparing yourself to the unknown because it should be evident and 2) there's still a one-sided presumption about your style of loving someone ideally working for that person.  On the other hand, if you're slackin' on your mackin' and slippin' on your pimpin', then saying something like "no one can love you better" is nothing more than a desperate attempt to keep somebody there who can do better.  In either instance, it's presuming God couldn't have possibly made more than one person out of nearly 7 1/2 billion people fully capable of loving someone by the definition of love He has set forth.  What if something tragic were to happen to you?  Do you honestly believe no one could love that person as adequately as you have, if not more?  Ultimately, there's a fine line between being confident in your abilities and being delusional and self-centered.

Now have I ever had the unmitigated gall to utter those words out loud to someone?  Absolutely not because I'm a serial perfectionist who doesn't subscribe to the thought I can't be outdone by someone else, especially if I'm not on my J-O-B.  Now have I ever thought it about someone with whom I've been or wanted to be?  Of course since it's natural to feel so strongly about your connection with someone and being unable to see them as fulfilled with anyone else as they are with you.  However, as part of an internal process I have within myself, I maintain a healthy level of confidence in what I bring to the table in a relationship while realizing I always have room for improvement and people can always have a change of heart without feeling like fire and brimstone will rain down on them for exercising their God-given right to free will.  If the way I've loved someone doesn't convince them to stay, then not only could it be something in the water which doesn't compute between us naturally, but I'm also not in the business of keeping someone who doesn't want to be kept by me.  I don't need to intimidate someone into staying with me by making it seem as if rolling the dice on someone else will be the worst decision they'll ever make in their life.  Perhaps I'm on an island unto myself with this, but I typically don't attribute that much importance to myself.


Bottom line, if you believe you and someone are meant to be, then fight for them until there's no more fighting to be done.  However, if someone clearly doesn't want to be fought for, then telling them something like "no one's gonna love you like me", "no one can love you more/better" or "this is the best you can do" isn't going to automatically stop them in their tracks; in fact, it's likely to shove them out the door even quicker because, in their mind, you're insisting they should settle for you--regardless of how great you think you are.  Even if they test the waters and end up being as wrong as two left shoes, it isn't your job to oversell yourself when your greatness should never require a sales pitch.  After a while, you're trying to convince yourself how great you are in lieu of your intended target.