Views from the Nosebleeds: 2016 NFL Regular Season, Week 16

With Christmas now in the rear view mirror, this introduction could easily qualify as a "Plus/Minus Take of the Week".  The plus: football fanatics everywhere were treated to a Christmas Eve full of football; it was like being able to open presents at midnight instead of waiting until 9 a.m. long after Santa done crawled his dusty behind back up with milk in his mustache and Christmas cookie crumbs in his beard.  The minus: although they had two pivotal division matchups with playoff implications--one being in prime time--they had to sacrifice most of Christmas Day to the NBA.  Either way, outside of celebrating the birth of Jesus Christ and spending time with family and friends, there aren't too many other things I'd rather do than watch football on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day.  For some teams--as well as some coaches and GMs who will get their pink slips before Black Monday--jolly old St. Nick had lumps of coal.  However, if you were like the first team featured in this week's edition, then you felt like you got straight As and minded your manners at the 11th hour...

THE PLUS/MINUS TAKE OF THE WEEK: IT'S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE (+1)!  Right now, there's a victory sighting in Cleveland and it has nothing to do with the Cavaliers winning that Christmas Day thriller of a Finals rematch vs. the Warriors.  The Cleveland Browns avoided being a winless team by defeating the Chargers, 20-17.  Granted, Robert Griffin III aka Mr. Glass barely lasted two games before suffering another injury while his six carries for 42 yards were more impressive than his 17-of-25, 164-passing-yard performance.  However, the reason why the Browns won is simple: they ran the ball far better than their opponents (124 total yards to 34), including two TDs from Isaiah Crowell.  Now years ago, I came up with a theory: if you lose this deep into a season to a winless team, then the teams should swap records because the team with the better record doesn't deserve it.  Then again, we are talking about the fourth-quarter-bumbling, soon-to-be-Mike-McCoy-less Chargers, who were able to get Josh Lambo in position to kick a FG literally at the last second but couldn't send the game into OT because of the fumbled snap.  Although it may be from the Land of Misfit Toys, I'm sure the Browns will gladly take that gift from the Claus...

THE HOME FIELD ADVANTAGE TAKE OF THE WEEK: SO YOU'RE TELLING ME THERE'S A CHANCE!  First and foremost, can someone please explain what in the heck Captain Kirk calls himself doing in this pic?  Second, many of my dear, dear friends have echoed the same sentiment: none of us who even remotely cheer for the home team want them to limp into the playoffs.  In fact, it's almost baffling how Washington had to wallop the Bears to the tune of 41-21 for their first road win of 2016.  The playoff scenario is simple: the Skins are in if they beat the Giants on New Year's Day and the Packers and Lions don't tie, but the problem with getting in is twofold.  First, they cannot improve their position as the sixth seed and will have to either travel to Atlanta or Seattle--the latter has beaten the Skins three out of their last four playoff appearances (2005, 2007, 2012).  Hence, having such a disappointing 2016 road record doesn't bode well against quality opponents. Second, their 29th-ranked defense won't scare anyone on the road, especially against the second most potent offense in the league led by Matt Ryan who is 4-0 against the Skins.  Mark my words: if the Skins get in, then they will suffer a fourth consecutive first-round exit.  Although I'm sure the Skins faithful will take a playoff berth instead of sitting on the couch with Eagles fans, it's like getting a gift you can't and won't ever use but being told to be thankful you got something...

SCRIBBLER'S GAME OF THE WEEK: MIAMI DOLPHINS 34, BUFFALO BILLS 31 (OT).  Because of their mediocrity and competitive ineptitude over the past decade and beyond, I typically wouldn't pick either of these teams for this segment.  However, the playoff implications behind this game loomed large as the Bills were trying to keep their frog hair thin playoff hopes alive (as well as Rex Ryan's job) while the Dolphins could get in with a win.  The saying "more is less" applies to the Bills: they had more passing yards (317 to 233), more rushing yards (272 to 261), controlled time of possession (40:33 to 33:40), won the turnover ratio battle (+1) and were better at converting third downs (44.4 percent to 41.7).  However, although the Dolphins' 30th-ranked defense is porous, the Bills' 19th-ranked defense (which Marcel Dareus said has "too much detail for a lot of guys") could neither bottle up Jay Ajayi (32 carries, 206 yards, one TD) nor slow down a Matt Moore-led offense enough to keep Andrew Franks from nailing both a 55-yard FG with only six seconds (his longest of the season and in windy conditions) as well as the game-winning 27-yard boot in OT to clinch Miami's first playoff berth since 2008.  Simply put, it doesn't matter if you have less anything else as long as you have more points and more wins, and less points, another losing season and the continuation of the longest current playoff drought equals a trip to the unemployment line for the Ryan brothers...

SCRIBBLER'S CHECKDOWNS:

• PHI 24, NYG 19: as well as the Giants' defense did in keeping the Eagles to 286 yards of total offense, the reason why the Giants blew a slim chance to stay alive for the NFC East crown was more about what Eli Manning did wrong.  He threw the ball an exorbitant 63 times for only one TD while giving away three picks--including a Malcolm Jenkins pick six, which was ultimately the difference in the game.  Granted, the Giants are in the playoffs regardless, but if they have to go Lambeau or Ford Field, they're gonna need Manning to be Mr. RELIable;
• ATL 33, CAR 16: I didn't expect much out of the Panthers against the Falcons and I was right.  Completing only 41.9 percent of his passes while managing 198 yards, one TD and two INTs, Superman forgot to change in the telephone booth before hitting the field.  Although I'm still not sold on the Falcons because of their 23rd-ranked defense, they could be one of those teams whose best defense is better offense;
• GB 38, MIN 25: Five simple letters: R-E-L-A-X.  With a stat line of 28 of 38, 347 yards, four TDs without the same effectiveness in the running game which torched the Bears' defense last week, Mr. Discount Double Check has it all covered as the Packers have their eyes set on making the playoffs by stealing the NFC North from the Lions;
• JAX 38, TEN 17: what do losing teams whose head coach gets fired the previous week do best?  Play harder the following week, score in a multitude of ways they failed to do for most of the season--including a 30-yard pick six from rookie Jalen Ramsey, who has been lights out the last two games--and help to eliminate a rival from playoff contention.  At this point, the Titans can only hope to have their first winning season since 2011 against the division-winning Texans;
• NE 41, NYJ 3: I knew The Brady Bunch would handle business, but did the Jets even get off of the bus?  (I know, that sounds funny.)  The combination of Brice Petty and Ryan Fitzpatrick threw as many INTs as Brady threw TDs (3) as part of an offense which mustered only 25 more total yards than Brady had through the air on his own (214).  While I'm all for keeping the "brothers" around, there's no way Todd Bowles should still have a job this week.  This is beyond putrid;
• OAK 33, IND 25: I don't care about the defense forcing three turnovers.  I don't care about a dominant running game led by DeAndre Washington (12 carries, 99 yards, two TDs) and Jalen Richard (six carries, 66 yards and probably took an ice bath in holy water after those numbers).  After a 20-for-30, 228-yard, three-TD performance, Derek Carr broke his fibula and Matt McGloin will be his replacement for the rest of the ride.  The Raiders will be fortunate if they beat the Broncos to win the AFC West, but it might not matter because they could lose in the Divisional Round anyway.  Next topic;
• NO 31, TB 24: if I told you Drew Brees only had one passing TD, you would assume the Bucs won, correct?  Welp, factor in Jameis Winston throwing two untimely picks as well as Mark Ingram's 18 carries for 90 yards and two TDs (not including a two-point conversion score) and you have another instance of a going-nowhere team making life more difficult for a division rival.  The Bucs will need a lot more help than the Skins to steal that last playoff spot;
• SF 22, LA 21: with only 177 yards of total offense, how in the world were the Rams even in this game?  Seriously, Jared Goff had 90 passing yards and squeaked out a TD pass, but threw two INTs while Todd Gurley and Tavon Austin combined for two rushing TDs, but the team couldn't crack 100 yards.  On the strength of two TD passes, a running score and a game-winning two-point conversion from Colin Kaepernick--who seems to be the Niners' entire offense--this should've been a blowout like Week 1.  Then again, these aren't two of the worst teams in the league for nothing;
• ARI 34, SEA 31: Russell Wilson passed for 350 yards and four TDs...in a loss.  How is that possible?  Simple: the Cardinals have the best all-purpose back in the league with David Johnson, who had 136 total yards and three TDs.  After losing three of their last five, the 'Hawks aren't looking like a consistently dangerous team as they did a month ago and are giving even more leverage to the Falcons;
• HOU 12, CIN 10: when I saw there was no score at the two-minute warning in a first half which had twelve total punts between both teams and it was 3-3 game going into the fourth quarter, I pressed the snooze button quick, fast and in a hurry.  In the midst of neither team gaining more than 300 yards of total offense, this came down to Nick Novak kicking one more field goal than former Texans kicker Randy Bullock.  Houston wins the AFC South...and they'll probably get bounced out by either the Dolphins, the Chiefs or the Raiders (if they don't win the West);
• PIT 31, BAL 27: in a game which could've easily been my "Game of the Week" over Dolphins-Bills, this was another classic Ravens-Steelers matchup which came down to a four-yard TD play from Ben Roethlisberger to a relentless Antonio Brown, who willed himself across the goal line for the win.  Steelers clinch the AFC North while the Ravens will be watching the playoffs from the couch; 
• KC 33, DEN 10 (SNF): can we start talking about Travis Kelce being in the conversation for the best tight end in football?  On top of having nearly twice as many receiving yards (160) as the rest of the team combined (86), his 80-yard TD on a bubble screen was amazing.  Oh yeah, and news flash: with six carries for 95 yards and a 70-yard TD, Tyreek Hill is pretty friggin' good.  Don't look now, but the Chiefs could be the biggest threat to not only the Raiders maintaining the No. 2 seed, but also the Patriots having an easy path to Houston in February; and
• DAL 42, DET 21 (MNF): although I could say the Lions laid an egg, the Cowboys were simply the better team.  When even Dez Bryant is throwing a TD pass on top of Dak Prescott's three scores and Ezekiel Elliott's two rushing TDs, there's nothing to be done except try to keep pace.  Right now, the only team I see matching the Cowboys in the NFC are the Falcons because they're the only ones who can consistently score as many points despite neither team having an intimidating defense.

SCRIBBLER'S CHOP LICKERS FOR WEEK 17:

• NE @ MIA, 1:00 p.m.: both teams are already in the playoffs, but the Fins can play spoiler by knocking the Patriots out of the top spot if the Raiders beat the Broncos later in the afternoon.  I don't see Bill Belichick pulling anyone unless the game is out of reach either way, so The Brady Bunch will probably play most of the game to ensure the road to Houston goes through Foxboro in the AFC;
• NYG @ WAS, 1:00 p.m.: even if the Giants lose to the Skins, they're locked into the No. 5 spot no matter what.  However, that doesn't mean they don't want to avenge their narrow Week 3 defeat at MetLife Stadium and knock the Burgundy and Gold out of the playoffs altogether.  With Washington fighting for their playoff life, I expect this to be a good-old-fashioned, hard-fought NFC East battle;
• KC @ SD, 4:25 p.m.: if the Chiefs want to improve their position in the AFC, then this win is absolutely necessary.  If the Raiders lose to the Broncos, then they'd win the West and clinch a first-round bye.  However, despite the Chargers losing a bunch of dumb games this year--most of them at the uncareful hands of Philip Rivers--beating them soundly on their home turf still won't be easy, let alone beating them at all;
• OAK @ DEN, 4:25 p.m.: much like the Chargers, the Broncos still have their pride to play for after blowing an opportunity to make the playoffs.  They have two advantages: 1) they still have a Super Bowl defense at their disposal and 2) Matt McGloin is starting.  However, considering how suspect they've been against the run, Jack Del Rio might benefit from a heavy dosage of Latavius Murray, DeAndre Washington and/or Jalen Richard.  Oakland needs this win to maintain their hold on the West and put themselves in better position to get the No. 1 overall seed in the AFC should the Pats drop one against the Fins;
• SEA @ SF, 4:25 p.m.: simplest one on the board: the Niners are a terrible team and they will probably catch a beatdown.  Nevertheless, the streaky 'Hawks cannot afford to lose any more games and can put themselves in a better position to reclaim the No. 2 spot in the NFC in case the Falcons blow it against the Saints.  Speaking of which; 
• NO @ ATL, 4:25 p.m.: after being eliminated from playoff contention for the third consecutive year, the Saints are looking for revenge after the Falcons spoiled the ten-year anniversary of the reopening of the Superdome after Hurricane Katrina with a convincing 45-32 win on the road.  However, knowing the 'Hawks are at their heels for the No. 2 seed, the last thing the Falcons want to do is give up leverage to the same team who got a fluke win over them; and
• GB @ DET, 8:30 p.m. (SNF): this one is for all of the marbles.  Whoever wins gets the NFC North and whoever loses is out if the Skins beat the Giants.  Considering the Lions have dropped two in a row while the Packers have won five in a row, the only advantage Detroit has is Ford Field.  Outside of that, I honestly believe the Packers will win the division because they're playing like the better team right now.