1350 Okie Doke Street: Five Overrated Food Chains and Menu Items

Surprisingly, I didn't ruffle as many feathers with last month's edition of "1350 Okie Doke Street" as expected.  When it comes to five of the most classic and/or discussed hip hop albums of the past 25 years, either more people respect difference in opinion than for which I give them credit, more people agree with me than expected or people simply weren't checking for me that day.  Either way, I ain't mad and I'll move on to one of my favorite subjects and the thing on which I've spent way too much money in my lifetime: food.  (I could've easily said women, but food has always been around.  The ladies are ji late to the Dirk Scribbler Is Totally Awesome Extravaganza.)  However, if the way to a man or woman's heart is through his or her stomach, then I'm about to give some folks coronary artery disease after this edition.  As I go through five of the most overrated franchise restaurants, fast food chains and/or particular items on their menus, I run the risk of watching my like count and number of followers decrease in five...four...three...two...one...

#5 CHECKERS FRIES.  Whenever I've seen posts about whose fries are the best, Checkers gets mentioned every single time...and I have no idea why.  Out of all the fast food chains, Checkers has always had the greasiest, least appetizing fries--a factor which may be one of the biggest reasons why I don't frequent there as much as I did in 2005 when my homie and I used to hit up the Maryland Avenue location in Northeast D.C. for our weekly Deep Sea Double combos.  (Thank God my eating habits have changed.  Otherwise, I'd easily be 300 pounds.)  Granted, the best thing to happen to these cuts of meh was transforming them into the Fully Loaded Fries.  However, if the only way you can get someone like me to eat your fries is to dump sour cream, bacon and cheese on them, then you're already failing.  Neither Chick-Fil-A nor McDonald's nor Bojangles' needs any of that and even Wendy's long-maligned fries got a sea salt face lift over the past six years.  Memo to Checkers: you're duping people all over America, but I'm not fooled one bit.  Do better...

#4 COLD STONE CREAMERY.  Don't get me wrong: Cold Stone ice cream is good.  There are very few specialty flavors made by any ice cream company better than Cold Stone's Cake Batter Batter Batter signature flavor.  (By the way, that is not a typo...there are truly that many "Batters" in the flavor title.)  Furthermore, I do love their mix-ins, especially when I can throw in something like Heath Toffee Bars and/or Reese's Peanut Butter Cups.  However, I'm not prone to wait very long for ice cream period, let alone Cold Stone.  Maybe it's because their ice cream is naturally a little too soft for me.  Perhaps I'm more of a fan of Haagen Dazs, Ben & Jerry's and Baskin-Robbins because their scoops of ice cream are always the ideal consistency--not to mention Haagen Dazs has other temptingly tasty items if you're not in an ice cream mood.  When Mrs. Scribbler and I used to frequent Hoffman Town Center in Alexandria after our sushi dates, Cold Stone enjoyed a nice two to three-year run in my good graces.  Unfortunately, with so many choices of franchises and store brands as well as the rise of gelato--don't get me started on Talenti, which I'm sure a bunch of y'all might feel like should be on this list--Cold Stone gets a bit of the cold shoulder... 

#3 RED LOBSTER.  If Red Lobster were named "Red Cheddar Bay Biscuit", then maybe it would be worth the hoopla.  Seriously, I know I've side eyed waiters and waitresses when they didn't bring out the biscuits quickly enough.  However, this is supposed to be a seafood restaurant, but their main attractions aren't as fabulous as their cheesy, garlicky carb busters.  In their defense, the limited-time Alaska Bairdi Crab Legs are so good that they feel like some form of unspoken infidelity.  Furthermore, I've always been a fan of their wood-grilled salmon.  The problem with Red Lobster goes back to my 11th birthday in 1990 when I wanted to try crab cakes for the first time.  After begging my mother to take me, I met the disappointing reality that crab cakes are like collard greens: you cannot and should not eat everyone's.  Add that to not being enamored with most of their shrimp options, especially their shrimp linguini Alfredo and the scampi, and I fail to comprehend the love affair folks have with this place.  Outside of being the roller meet-up spot, I usually can think of ten places I'd rather eat than wait 25 to 45 minutes for biscuits and some okay seafood...

#2 CHIPOTLE MEXICAN GRILL.  Let one of my homies and fellow artists tell it, equivocating Chipotle with raw sewage is being kind.  I, on the other hand, don't feel that strongly; in fact, I enjoy Chipotle.  However, my biggest issue with the popular chain has always been twofold.  First, the food is never worth the exorbitant line, especially when there's usually a Qdoba or a Moe's in the vicinity with shorter lines and arguably better food.  I live close to two Chipotles and haven't been to either once because of the lines alone.  Second, much like Red Lobster, why is there a section of women in this area who believe Chipotle is some type of high-end treat, especially when their man takes them there?  I suppose we have evolved as a society to the point where getting cheese on a Big Mac simply isn't enough anymore.  It's bad enough I have to be in the mood for Mexican food any other time.  It's even worse when I have to contend with unnecessarily long lines often filled with women who pronounce it "CHA-PA-LAAAA" and usually end up settling for a burger and fries instead...

#1 POPEYES CHICKEN & BISCUITS.  Now we've entered the real "touch me and I'll sue" territory, which might truly lead to lost followers and broken friendships.  Ah well, so be it.  Now if this were between 1994 and 1997 during my time at School Without Walls Senior High School when we had the ability to roam off campus for lunch, then speaking against Popeyes would be complete and utter blasphemy.  When there used to be a location on K Street in Northwest, my crew and I were regulars.  Although I was well versed in the wonders of Popeyes long before it somehow became Annie the Chicken Queen's chicken, that Popeyes is where I began the oddity (and disputably lazy strategy) of spreading grape jelly on top of the biscuit instead of wasting time, cutting it open and spreading it on the inside.  (Am I the only person who feels like that description is a bit raunchy?  I am the only one, huh?  Fine then...leave me to be the weirdo.)  More important, that's when everything at Popeyes was still delicious--particularly the item which is their biggest calling card of all.

However, something went wrong in the last decade.  Maybe it reminds me of the same woman who inspired the New Problem Tuesdays brand and how our gluttonous ways either ended in wonderful sexcapades or the most virulent arguments known to man--including a Jay-Z vs. Nas discussion at the Hillcrest Heights location and her essentially telling me she's the best I could do outside of the Oxon Hill spot.  Maybe seeing how I ballooned to nearly 250 pounds in 2006 after constantly making light work of three-piece meals changed my eating habits and curbed the need to frequent on a weekly basis.  All plausible factors...or maybe it's simply the fact that greasy bird ain't as good as it used to be.  The chicken at every Popeyes I've been to in the past three years has this slightly gritty texture, leaving this weird feeling in the roof of my mouth.  The biscuits are still decent, but they are no longer messing with Roy Rogers or Bojangles'.  Sans the red beans & rice and mashed potatoes, I can take or leave their sides--especially the often-slimy green beans and even the fries I loved for so long.  Moreover, darn near anything from Popeyes bothers my stomach now.  So to all of you who are two steps away from having a Popeyes shrine, more power to you...not a huge fan anymore, slim.  Curse my good name and pull my Black card if you so choose, but it won't be the first time and it probably won't be the last.

Are you ready to throw that $5 Big Box at your computer screen over this list?  Do you have your own list of overrated food establishments and/or menu items??  PLEASE unleash your fury in the comments.  Don't forget to return soon for another potentially infuriating party here at "1350 Okie Doke Street"!!!