Dirk Scribbler's 1st Annual Grammy Wrap Up

So I totally didn't plan on watching the 55th Grammy Awards last night.  I tend to have a love-hate relationship with award shows: I hate to love them because there are often so many disappointing moments.  However, Mrs. Scribbler convinced me to watch them--truthfully, she had the remote and wasn't gonna win that battle.  I must say that I ended up enjoying some very stylish folks strut their stuff on the red carpet and, subsequently, the actual Grammy Awards itself.  My issue regarding some of the coverage was that folks were "riding" certain artist's you-know-whats because they are who they are.  Therefore, a Grammy wrap-up wouldn't be complete without the more-self-proclaimed-than-world-renowned music aficionado in Dirk Scribbler giving you his take.

(Caveat: for the red carpet portion, I'm only judging the women.  People tend to forget what the guys were wearing anyway.  We know the red carpet is ALWAYS about the ladies, even among the ladies.  In case you don't know the rules, most men dress to impress women first.  So do most women, but just throw in the "make-these-broads-jealous" factor.)

MOST STUNNING ON THE RED CARPET: Katy Perry.  A lot of people gave this to Rihanna, J-Lo and Taylor Swift, but I'm never a lot of people, so-to-say.  So apparently she was wearing Gucci.  That's cool...not as concerned with that.  Here are five things that I loved about her appearance: 1) it was one of the rare occasions where she looked "regular" and it worked; 2) nobody has made jade green look so awesome on the red carpet; 3) the detail around the money shot region was very cute, so I suppose this is where the dress being made by Gucci is significant; 4) her nails were nicely done, as opposed to when they put the "ManiCam" on Kelly Rowland's hands (absolutely loved your dress though); and 5), and most important, the cleavage cut.  C'mon now...I'm a straight man.  Did you really think that wouldn't get mentioned???  Heck, I didn't even realize that Katy Perry had that nice of a body.  Now Mrs. Scribbler thought it would've been better if the cut was about two inches higher...yeah, I totally had no problem with it.  Baby, you were the firework last night.  Honorable mentions: Taylor Swift, J-Lo, Mrs. Carter, Carrie Underwood, Kaley Cuoco, the flawless makeup of Janelle Monae, and a pregnant and even more glowingly beautiful Amber Rose.

LEAST STUNNING ON THE RED CARPET: Rihanna.  A lot of the fashion buffs put her and her Alaia dress as among the best dressed.  Again, that's Amharic to me.  Was I the only one that peeped Ryan Seacrest possibly throwing shade at Ms. Fenty by saying, "So was that your first choice?"  He didn't ask anyone else that question.  Just saying.  Don't get me wrong, I love when women get their "My, My, My" moments on by slipping on their best red dress.  How-and-ever, I was not wowed by Rihanna's selection.  Honestly, she looked much better in her performance dress to me.  To top it off, her hair could've been put up in a bun to make the look a little more appealing overall--not to mention that she looks like she either needs a three piece and two biscuits, a hit from Ray-Ray or both.  Baby girl had the Bobby Brown jaw going for a moment.  Not cool.  Moral to this story: always keep a cute black dress on stand-by.

MOST IMPRESSIVE PERFORMANCE: two-way tie between Carrie Underwood and Justin Timberlake.  Let's start with the latter first...it was Mr. JT's first Grammy performance in years, and it was a home run.  All I thought was Cotton Club and Cab Calloway with the tuxedos and the big band feel, and Justin's supporting cast delivered.  Besides, I'm a sucker for a dope horn section.  Oh yeah...and it rarely ever hurts having a Jay-Z cameo appearance, who seemed to genuinely enjoy himself.  Always good to see rappers take off their cool once in a while.  Honestly though, it wasn't even the "Suit & Tie" song that impressed me the most, although I like the song a whole lot more now hearing it live; it was whatever that second song was that may have very well sold me on buying his album after that.  (For the record, it's called "Pusher Love Girl".  I don't know if it's gonna sound that good on the album, but that thing goes, son.)

However, Carrie Underwood totally fell under the radar for her performance last night.  I judge Grammy performances by the entirety of the performance, and that's why she ties with Mr. Suit & Tie.  Country music is not necessarily my cup of tea, but it's one of the few genres that prides itself on retaining a certain amount of artistic integrity.  Not to mention that they have some of the most amazing songwriters in music period.  Nevertheless, great singers are great singers no matter what the genre, and I knew the girl could blow from her American Idol days.  Combine her voice with how the guitarists beautifully blended their notes with her vocals on "Blown Away".  Unite those same killer vocals with her entire musical ensemble including the epic string section, solid background vocals, and the A/V show on her dress during "Two Black Cadillacs", which brought the performance to a marvelous climax.  There's no other way to encapsulate my feelings except to say...oh yeah she did that.  Honorable mentions: Kelly Clarkson simply singing her tail off during her tributes to Patty Page and Carole King; Bruno Mars with his well-orchestrated Bob Marley tribute along with Sting, Rihanna and Ziggy Marley; and Miguel's simple-but-wowing performance of "Adorn" along with Wiz Khalifa.

LEAST IMPRESSIVE PERFORMANCE: Frank Ocean.  Before I ever heard him perform live, I knew he wouldn't be that good at it.  I can just tell that by his studio voice.  Granted, Channel Orange was clearly one of the best albums of 2012.  However, he falls into that Al B. Sure! and Musiq Soulchild category of R&B singers who sound decent in the studio, but can barely hold it together on stage.  Never mind that he chose to sing "Forrest Gump"--a song that predictably would've raised eyebrows because of his professed sexual orientation and how it sounds like he's talking to a dude.  Even if he really was, who he chooses to be with is his business, not mine.  It was all the flat notes, his awkwardness on stage (he definitely appeared to be nervous, but understandably so) and just the performance not being extremely engaging.  He gets some points for being thematically consistent with his on-stage graphics and his headband, but that was by far the best part in an otherwise underwhelming Grammy Awards debut.

PLEASANT SURPRISE PERFORMANCE: Maroon 5 and Alicia Keys.  A lot of people on Facebook were hating on Ms. Keys--Mrs. Beatz, Mrs. Dean or whatever you want to call her--because they don't like the "Girl on Fire" song.  Truthfully, I don't either.  She screams more than she sings whether in the studio or live when she tries to hit certain notes.  However, I put all of that aside to actually listen to her performance.  First and foremost, that was a smart and savvy move to collaborate with Maroon 5 for the "Daylight/Girl on Fire" medley.   Second, that is the best that I've heard her sing live in years.  Third, it was musically pleasing to my ears, especially the transition to "Girl on Fire".  Very "In the Air Tonight"-esque with the drums and percussion.  Fourth, the harmony between Adam Levine, Alicia Keys and the background singers absolutely heightened the overall performance.  Sorry, y'all...Alicia hit all the right keys with this one.  Honorable mention: Rihanna and Mikky Ekko.  Set aside her awkward movements that made her look like Gator from Jungle Fever was her boyfriend instead of Chris Brown, she totally threw me for a loop with her impressive live vocals on "Stay"--especially because she chose to sing a ballad that made you focus on her voice.

MOST TRIED-IT PERFORMANCE: Mavis Staples.  Bless her heart.  I do love me some Mavis Staples, but Lord only knows when her last Grammy performance was and she was intent on getting her fifteen minutes of fame back.  She performed "The Weight" as a tribute to the late Levon Helm with Sir Elton John, the Zac Brown Band, Mumford & Sons and Brittany Howard of the Alabama Shakes, and it's bad enough that she was doing too much during her solo part.  However, you just couldn't script the end of that song: "YEAH! YEAH! YEAH! YEAH! YEAH! YEAH!"  Honestly, I lost track of all the "yeahs" this woman screamed out when the music had clearly finished and everyone else was looking at her with the same "Negro please" expression as Anna Marie Horsford's character in Friday responding to Ms. Parker's request to call her after work..."EHHHH-KAYYYY!!!"  I really don't know what else to say about it except...ummm...yeah.

FUNNIEST ACCEPTANCE SPEECH: Kelly Clarkson by a landslide.  Before she even got on stage to accept her Grammy for Best Pop Vocal Album, her dress got caught up with Miranda Lambert.  That was the preview of randomness to come.  Then she admitted to being nervous in front of people and proceeded to manifest that nervousness, but in a way that I can appreciate because Mrs. Scribbler is the same way...and it's absolutely adorable.  While being classy and giving props to the other nominees, nothing tops her candid comments about Miguel and his performance: "Um, Miguel, I don't know who the hell you are, but we need to sing together.  I mean, good God, that was the sexiest damn thing that I've ever seen! What?!?!"  She's as genuine as her voice, and you gotta love that.

BIGGEST DOUCHE-BAG ACCEPTANCE SPEECH: The-Dream.  Before I get to his nonsense, let me say that I love that "No Church in the Wild" won the Grammy for Best Rap/Sung Collaboration.  Not only is it one of the best songs on Watch the Throne, but so many people have used the instrumental for radio show intros, TV commercials and soundtracks.  It deserved to win over everyone else, though I was surprised that it actually did.  Now on to Mr. Nash's trash.  So Frank Ocean is giving part of the acceptance speech along with Jay-Z and The-Dream, and in a moment of "I don't know what else to say", he asks both Jay and The-Dream if they want to say something.  The-Dream then proceeds to tell Frank Ocean to "move out of the way" so he can talk and give an unmemorable speech.  Okay, so he may have moved ol' Lonny Breaux out of the way in jest, but it still appeared to have a touch of douche bag to it.  However, it's not just what he said, but more than anything, it was what he was wearing.  Dude, was that you putting in your application as the new member of N.W.A.?!?!  Why the heck do you have a Boyz N Tha Hood hat on top of a Parental Advisory Explicit Lyrics du-rag, towel or whatever that mess was on your head?  He was totally out of place and looked more like he belonged at the 1995 Source Awards than the 2013 Grammy Awards.  One of my best friends always says that The-Dream is one of those people that doesn't belong in front of a camera...now I see why.  Which leads us to...

BEST SAVE IN AN ACCEPTANCE SPEECH: Jay-Z.  After The-Dream's debacle, Mr. Carter follows up with what could've also qualified as the Funniest Acceptance Speech of the night: "I'd like to thank the swap meet for his hat."  Oak tree type shade right there.  That was Jay-Z's way of part-jokingly-but-mainly-seriously saying, "Dude, wear something more Grammy appropriate next time if you're gonna step on this stage with me.  Even Wiz Khalifa made you look out of place."  He'll show you how to do this, son.

Overall, I wasn't disappointed by this installment of the Grammy Awards.  Minus a few shameless plugs, I liked LL Cool J as a host.  Some people might feel like someone else should've done it, but if you're CBS, why not get someone who's already on your payroll, is an actual artist, and happens to be a music legend?  He's older, classy enough and possesses the right amount of energy to carry the load as the host.  Oh yeah...and his performance wasn't bad either.  (Two words: Travis Barker.  The dude is an alien on the drums.)  Speaking of rappers, I did notice that there weren't as many hip-hop artists and labels represented--such as Drake, Nicki Minaj and Lil' Wayne, who didn't even get mentioned one bit--but that's no surprise.  That's one of the reasons why Jay-Z boycotted the Grammys years ago--though it's ironic that he was not only present to accept an award, but he was part of a performance.  Nevertheless, I'm cool with how it all turned out and I might actually do one of these wrap-ups next year.