So I was going to post a blog entry on Friday or Saturday previewing the conference championships, but I had a very busy weekend. You shouldn't care about that though...you should care more about my keys to victory for each game, like Matt Ryan and Julio Jones lighting it up offensively or about Atlanta’s defense needing to contain Colin Kaepernick. Conversely, you should concern yourself more with the in-depth analysis that I didn't share about how that same defense would forget Frank Gore and Vernon Davis and that the Niners’ defense would figure out a way to slow down Atlanta’s potent offensive attack. By this point though, you should be telling me, “Yeah, that’s nice. My two-year-old daughter could've told me that.” Thus, it's time to skip to the reason you're reading this blog post in the first place…
If I would’ve bet everything that I owned on that game—from my treasured musical equipment to my brand new HD TV that has taken my Madden game to another level because I can see the ENTIRE field now—you probably wouldn't hear from or see me...ever...again. Maybe I would’ve taken the responsible route and paid every last debt in full. Maybe I would’ve been someplace where the weather is warm, the sand is soft, the waters are clear, the drinks are only served in hollowed-out coconuts, and the women are--in PCMD-correct terms, and PCMD being "Politically Correct for Mrs. Diggler"--"yeah buddy" beautiful. Maybe I would’ve been your typical rapper, popped some bands up in Stadium, and paid off some college loans, Cricket bills and car notes all in the same stack. (Yeah…Mrs. Scribbler wouldn’t have that either.) Why? Thought you'd never ask--and you probably didn't, but I'm gonna tell you anyway. What would've been my blog post last week contained the following statement verbatim: “If the games are won on the line, then give me the 49ers. Something to the tune of 28-24.” And what might the person living under a planet-sized rock ask what the final score of the 49ers-Falcons game was? Yup, you guessed it, ASAP Rocky (in this case, ASAP = As Slow As Possible)...28-24. I’m sure that everybody has made at least one accurate prediction about the winning team in their life—and if you haven’t, you might wanna watch less ESPN and more HGTV. However, how often do we actually predict the exact final score AND winner? I know that I’ve never done it until yesterday, so imagine my simultaneous amazement at seeing that score on the screen but my instant disappointment in Instance #12341264235909 where my chances of being a millionaire were brutally dashed.
Still, by 6 o’clock, I had one out of two picks exactly right. I felt pretty confident. Not quite Nostradamus or God confident, but I could still pick an NFL game with as much pinpoint accuracy as Troy Aikman—or as Joe Buck affectionately calls him, “8-Ball”. (Imagine Troy Aikman with gold teeth talking about space age pimpin’. Yeah, I can’t either. Quickly moving on.) If I would’ve gotten my Ca$h Out on—sans riding round with that Nina or smoking on Keisha—the bookies would have given me the Kansas City Mack or Biggie Smalls side eye while giving me my money. However, the second game was a different ball game. Since successful bets are often based less on the winner and more on the closeness to the point spread, I would’ve ended up being that family member or that friend trying to get you to invest in a get-rich quick scheme to keep the “debt collectors” at bay. I never wrote down my exact score for the Ravens-Patriots game, but I did predict that the Ravens would win. Unfortunately, the score in my head was along the lines of 31-28 or 34-31. Granted, I knew Tom Brady and the Patriots would move the ball like clockwork—especially early in the game. I knew that Aqib Talib would shut down his receiver, but I didn’t think he’d get injured again. I didn’t think Vince Wilfork would be a non-factor. I didn’t think that Bill Belichick would ever have to treat Wes Welker like Featherstone from Necessary Roughness: “DON’T THROW IT TO STONE HANDS!” Yet and still, no matter who actually picked the Ravens to win—including myself—who would’ve ever thought that the Ravens would hold the Patriots to only 13 points for the whole game AND beat them by 15 in an AFC Championship game in Foxboro where the Pats were 4-0 in the Belichick-Brady Era?!?! Please find me that person, and even if he plays for the Ravens and his name might be Terrell Suggs, I’ll still call him a liar.
For the record, I'm not a betting man. I did once bet three of my classmates who thought I was crazy for picking the Dallas Cowboys over the Buffalo Bills in Super Bowl XXVII. Let's just say that I didn't have to pay for my favorite brownies at the hot dog truck for a week--and although I won the bet, it was the last time that I ever bet on the Cowboys. That just goes against my religion, fam. Based upon my emotional roller-coaster ride watching these two conference championships, I offer the following advice when watching football, making picks and deciding to gamble on an uncertain outcome. First, watching the game is always better than betting on the game because losing money heightens your already high-blood pressure from your favorite team being some bum sauce with a side of chicken. Second, always bet on the team who's more physical on both sides of the ball. Third, there’s nothing wrong with making a heart pick if your head pick doesn’t have more heart than your heart pick. (Now try saying that three times fast after eating a choke sandwich.) Finally, if you do pick a game, decide to bet on it and you actually win with the exact score, take your newfound wealth, run for the hills and please don’t make a day job of it. Only God has been able to go 127391293719273912897319087291739 for 127391293719273912897319087291739 with his picks—give or take a miracle.
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