Scribbler's Hot & Bothered Topic of the Week: Poopin' Where You Eat

Welp, I made it, dear friends.  The big 5-0...post, that is.  (PLEASE don't rush me getting older 'cause I never have and never will rush myself.)  What better way to celebrate my 50th post than with a new post series?!?!  [In my Cleveland Brown voice] HOOOORAAAAAY!!!!  To break up some of the "monotony" regarding sports & entertainment, I have decided to do a series on something else on which I have a strong opinion and in which I have a decent amount of expertise: love, relationships and sex.  Henceforth, "Scribbler's Hot & Bothered Topic of the Week" is birthed...

So one of my friends and I had a lengthy text-versation about "crossing lines" when it comes to dating, particularly in the workplace.  Without giving too many details--and the details had nothing to do with her, for the record--her stance on it was a definitive "no".  I instantly recalled a conversation that I had with a fellow co-worker about six or seven years ago.  Granted, his statements were geared more toward if you were married or in a relationship and planned on creeping.  (NEWS FLASH: Dirk doesn't condone creeping.)  Nevertheless, his advice was still sound: "I don't care how good looking the woman is or how much she's coming after you.  If she works with you or lives in the same neighborhood, don't mess with her.  You don't sh** where you eat."  Couldn't agree with the brother more, but some of you faithful readers have no issues with this.  It's your prerogative...and perhaps your "funeral" as well.

Now I'm not saying that there have never been successful relationships between co-workers and/or neighbors.  I know plenty of people that work together or live on the same street/in the same building and carry on relationships and even marriages without major hiccups.  Heck, I even know a few cutty buddies that have been able to keep their pillow talk on the tuck without the drama--or at least publicly.  However, not all work or neighborhood relationships are created equal because for some people, they just love drama and an audience to perform their drama for even more--no matter where it is and how ratchet they end up looking.  In fact, more often than not, I've seen things head south quick, fast and in a hurry when people that are "too close for comfort" get into intimate relationships.  Therefore, I'm going to provide five main reasons as to why "poopin' where you eat" can be potentially troublesome.

Before we get into those reasons, let's break down the main premise: why is being in relationships or sleeping with people you work with or live near "poopin' where you eat"?  Elementary, my dear Watsons.  The dinner table is just as much of a sanctuary and place of peace for people as church and the bedroom.  When the troubles of the world get to be a bit cumbersome, the place where one eats is either a mere refueling station or a pleasure principle hub.  Unless we're talking people that need more than "pink sheets" (forensic screenings for mental observations for those that don't speak court talk), I know no one that is willing to eat off of the same table on which they just dropped a stinky load because...well...it's effin' nasty, son.  Reeling in the analogy, your job and your home are "sanctuaries" as well.  While the workplace is not a place of peace for most people, knowing that you get a steady paycheck makes you feel a sense of security.  Your home...well, that's self-explanatory.  Unless you deal with screaming kids, a nagging significant other or an unkempt roommate, your home is your refuge from the nonsense of the world.  From watching Netflix for hours on rainy days to playing Call of Duty and "shootin' n*ggas in the face" as my homie Country would say--it's 'bout time I gave you a shout-out, huh lol--you can be as far away from drama as possible.  However, when you involve yourself with someone that works with you or lives in your building, you open yourself up to the possibility of putting your livelihood and peace of mind in jeopardy.

With that said, let's tackle my five factors to consider before "poopin' where you eat".  Factor Numero Uno: you could possibly be dealing with someone that doesn't know the meaning of the word "discreet".  If you're the quiet type and don't like a lot of people in your business, there's nothing worse than being in a relationship or simply having relations with someone that puts everything and anything on Front Street.  Your co-workers should neither know whether you hang a little to the left or [as Strangé so eloquently told Marcus Graham in Boomerang] that "you really know how to move your a**", nor hear about you being Quick Draw McGraw or smaller than a vienna sausage because Ratchet Rachel decided to spill the beans about last night's smash session.  Now most dudes don't mind a little positive PR campaign if it means that they can break off more willing participants, but most women I know do mind having their prowess publicized without prior consent.  Although you can never guarantee secrecy because secrets are like hot potatoes in someone's hands, you can either agree to keep it between the two of you, limit the knowledgeable parties to people that you don't know in common, or be a better judge of character and know when you're dealing with a blabbermouth.

Factor #2: someone typically breaks the rules.  The aforementioned sworn secrecy rule can be one "breach of contract".  Let's say, for example, that you're just fooling around with Ratchet Rachel on a casual level and it's not supposed to be anything serious.  You call yourself laying down ground rules by simply saying, "Please don't be extra.  It's just 'hanging out' and nothing more."  She does her absolute best to abide by that code and ensure that her feelings don't get involved.  However, for lack of better ways to put it, your pipe game is good enough to put John C. Flood out of business.  Consequently, she gets frustrated because her calls and texts either aren't reciprocated to the same degree or go unanswered altogether.  She comes by your desk or apartment unannounced one time too many.  She expects y'all to go to lunch together or hang out after work, but you'd rather be with the homies, to yourself or (much to her chagrin) with another woman.  Heck, she might see you with any woman and attempt to call you out about it--even if it's nothing going on between y'all.  Suddenly, she starts jocking for position.  Next thing you know, you're getting even more emails in your inbox, phone calls and cubicle visits.  She's conveniently around when other women are in plain sight.  Whole time, you're thinking, "Last time I checked, we don't share last names and we aren't together.  Why you sweatin' me, slim?"  That whole "play by the rules" thing just went out the window because people don't follow and don't like to follow directions for very long.

Factor #3: somebody typically gets mad at the other person and either 1) makes it awkward to be around them and/or 2) wants to perform for an audience.  So you hit Ratchet Rachel with the "let's just be friends" line or she sees you with another "buddy" and totally ignored the previously-agreed-upon "just sex" memo you sent her typed in bold, uppercase letters in size 256 font.  Consider Scenario #1: because she's mad at you and is on your last nerve, you see her way too often in a given workday and wish that she'd take like a month-long vacation.  When you're trying to exercise professional decorum and have conversations about work, she somehow changes the trajectory of the discussion toward how you're such a jerk that has no heart or emotion.  Now she's affecting the effectiveness of your work relationship because she's torn between being a cooperative colleague and a scorned lover.  Maybe that isn't enough for her and tries Scenario #2: she waits until you're outside the job chillin' with the homies on a smoke break.  With her fellow officemates in tow, she starts going off about how you ain't this, ain't that and your mother should've swallowed instead of birthing you.  Now you're mad that she's not only trying to grandstand in front of folks, but also that she mentioned your mother and swallowing in the same sentence.  It's bad enough that you have to deal with nonsense at your job from your superiors or slackers for colleagues, but now you have to deal with a crazy broad that you're on the verge of punching in the face.  Hence, she's pulled a better hattrick than you did between the sheets: 1) she just transferred her negative energy onto you; 2) she just portrayed herself as the victim and painted you as the villain; and 3) she just did it in front of a bunch of folks that you both know and have to see every single day.

Factor #4: the more people that witness, the more rumors circulate.  Being a witness to a situation like this can end up being a game of telephone gone wrong because there's twenty different stories told either with dramatic embellishments or convenient omissions.  If it's someone who's on Ratchet Rachel's side, then the story might have an "all men are dogs" slant to it.  If it's someone who's cooler with you, then they might recall the incident from the "I told you that b*tch is crazy" platform.  You may have a few "neutral" parties involved, but if any of them love drama, it doesn't even matter.  Either way, it doesn't help you because you end up looking like the fool and you have to be reminded of it all the time because--yup, you guessed it--you just had to fool around with somebody on your job or, worse, in your neighborhood.  So maybe you claim to be one of those people that couldn't care less about your reputation being soiled.  Chances are, however, that you're not because very few people that say they don't care what people think about them actually mean it.  Your reputation is part of your legacy, and if you're known as a dog, then being a mad dog as a result of the drama with Ratchet Rachel merely widens the scope for you to be dragged out into the street and sniped.  It's one thing when you get aired out in front of strangers, but when the murmurs and whispers happen amongst people you know, you're ready to fight everybody after a while because you're tired of your name being in folks' mouths.

The most dangerous possibility, however, is the fifth and final factor: it can bring the wrong kind of attention from the wrong people.  Let's say it's at your job and your superiors notice that your work is suffering because your concentration is shot.  The rumor mill is out of control, and now your boss gets a whiff of it all.  Next thing you know, you're in his office or he comes to your desk like, "Now look, you're a good employee and we value your effort.  However, if your personal life gets in the way of your professionalism, then your services may no longer be needed."  Yeah...that ain't good because you should never allow somebody to negatively affect your pockets.  Let's bring it to your doorstep and your arguments with Ratchet Rachel might be out in the street at night when folks are trying to get some shuteye.  You've got those one or two newsy neighbors that never give you the courtesy of coming to you first and go straight to management with their complaints or, worse, call the police.  Now your landlord is sending you warnings and notices that say, in so many words, "There's going to be an impromptu yard sale with no price tags if you don't get your lover's quarrels in order."  Nothing worse than the threat of being broke and homeless over some booty that you could've had from somebody that lives or works nowhere near you.

Whether it's dating outside your race, class or other comfort zones, I'm all about being indiscriminate when it comes to finding love.  Bottom line, you can't help with whom you fall in love or where you fall in love with him or her.  If it so happens that it's at your job or in your neighborhood, then so be it and let me not stand in the way of that.  (You weren't going to let me do that anyway if you're really about that love life.)  Heck, if it's just a hit-it-and-quit situation, then that's part of your journey as well and I won't judge you for it.  However, please don't completely throw caution to the wind when dealing with a co-worker or neighbor because there's nothing worse than getting your mouth watered for a meal but seeing that the dinner table has a bunch of crap all over it and it's your crap.  You can Clorox the mess out of that table, but the traumatic experience of seeing poop all over it makes you want to get a brand new table--and in some cases, you might have no choice.  Happy dining, folks...