RANDOM THOUGHT ALERTS!!! (Vol. 1, No. 9)

So let me tell y'all how much of a guy I am and why a GIF of Eddie Murphy making funny faces from Delirious opens up this round of "RANDOM THOUGHT ALERTS!!!"  Other than his joke about his Aunt Bunny falling down the stairs, his "Fart Game" spiel is exceptionally hilarious because it's irrefutably true--especially among men.  While waiting in vain for Mrs. Scribbler to straighten out her license situation at the White Oak MVA, I'm in the bathroom taking a leak.  Suddenly, someone's rips off a nice, long fart that sounds like an out-of-tune member of the Phoenix Horns.  The kid in me giggled while the man in me wanted not only to "grade the fart" like Murphy suggested, but also to say to the dude, "Good job, bruh!"  However, since I didn't know whether the person in that stall was from this country or not considering White Oak is culturally diverse like much of the rest of Silver Spring, I didn't wanna be weirder than I already was for being proud of his achievement in flatulence.  Now that you've had all the TMI/"gas pump" stories you can handle for one day, let's use that low-octane fuel to power us through the rest of today's madness...

"WHY CAN'T IT BE BOTH?!?!"  My immediate reaction aside to yet another one of these "deep" memes, I get the premise.  Some people say they want love, but in reality, they need a place to stay, a set of pockets to drain and health and dental benefits on which they don't have to spend a dime.  However, I believe when you seek a mate who you could potentially be with for life, having a dependable teammate as well as a loving partner is paramount to the success and longevity of the relationship.  Besides, being "in love" with someone who isn't quick to volunteer to help or will watch you take on your share of the load along with half of their portion is the pits.  So while I understand how very few people want to be in a virtually loveless relationship with Robbin' Leech, the Libra in me sees nothing wrong with desiring a partner who possesses the kindness, thoughtfulness, patience, faithfulness and perseverance of a worthy lover who sets off the fireworks in your soul while jumping just as much at the chance to be an efficient helper as you do.  I guess I can't fit all of that in a meme, huh?!?!  Moving on...

"WITH THEM BIG FAT WHEELS..."  From  segues to mopeds to oversized strollers (yes, those exist), there has been a flurry of cool "toys" for adults with wheels transporting us big people back to our smaller days under the sun.  However, even after first learning how to ride a bike at five without training wheels, I still preferred the comfort and appeal of my Transformers Power Cycle at seven.  Perhaps an extension of my personality as well as my later preference for cars over trucks, the feeling of driving much lower to the ground was a bit more gratifying and exhilarating.  So of course, the perpetual big kid in me thought, "When is somebody going to make an adult-sized big wheel based upon our favorite cartoons and childhood shows?!?!"  Like seriously...how cool would it be to see a bunch of grown men and women roll into somebody's park riding on Knight Rider, Cabbage Patch Kids, Thundercats, Barbie, G.I. Joe, Strawberry Shortcake or, of course, Transformers big wheels instead of a bunch of bicycles from Capital Bikeshare?  Unfortunately, based upon current price points of existing adult-sized big wheels from companies like High Roller USA--their "trikes" range from $760 to $1000--I see why they're not in production or popular demand.  Still, one can dream...

"WITH ALL DUE RESPECT, MR. PRESIDENT...CAN YOU PLEASE INTERRUPT THE CHEW NEXT TIME?!?!"  Because I haven't been into cooking shows as much over the past year as I have in the past and have never been into arbitration-based reality court shows, I couldn't care less about The Chew or Hot Bench when one of my favorite shows on television, General Hospital, is scheduled smack dab in the middle of them.  So as much as I love President Barack Obama and mildly respect D.C. Mayor Muriel Bowser, it grinds my gears when WJLA-TV and ABC News always preempt GH with "special reports".  Don't get me wrong, I understand a news outlet's obligation to get breaking news to their audience.  However, I get utterly annoyed when I'm about to find out the secret identity of a serial killer or a character finally gets nerve to profess their undying love to someone and I hear that dreadful countdown sound.  Besides, it defeats the purpose of setting my DVR and being able to skip the commercials versus waiting a day for the episode to be available on demand and sitting through a Lyrica ad or that "lifestyle" KFC commercial with the extra crispy version of Colonel Sanders for the third or fourth time in one sitting...

"HOLLA...MATTER FACT, SCREAM!!!"  Certain slang terms like "chillin'" have eternal amnesty while others reside within a gray area.  During the July 27 broadcast of TV One's NewsOne Now, host Roland Martin used the phrase "holla" at the end of a segment and I immediately thought, "I know I still say it from time to time and so do many of my friends, but do people still say 'holla' that frequently?"  Jay-Z, Memphis Bleek, Freeway and other members of Roc-A-Fella Records popularized it during the height of their success; however, Mr. H-to-the-Izzo also firmly placed "grown and sexy" into the urban lexicon via "Excuse Me Miss" and I could go on about how much I loathe that term to this day.  Given those last tidbits, hearing a 47-year-old brother say "holla" during a news broadcast makes me wonder if some too-cool-for-TV teenager somewhere might turn their nose up at us "old heads" acting like it's still 2003.  As long as we're not walking around in "powder blue Roc-A-Wear suits, white Nike[s]", then I'm good.  In all honesty though, "holla" probably should've died out when DJ Clue and Jay-Z dubbed themselves William M. and William H. Holla, respectively; "the Holla family" was the ultimate "stop trying to make 'fetch' happen" moment.


It's been like a month since my last batch of "RANDOM THOUGHT ALERTS!!!" and I know y'all have had some off-the-wall pensiveness since then, so PLEASE humor me with your moments in the comments.  Don't forget to come back next time for another wild and exciting edition of the fan semi-favorite, "RANDOM THOUGHT ALERTS!!!"    (By the way, aren't y'all proud of me for not mentioning anything about a certain  local transit authority?!?!  Yes, I want a cookie for it...oatmeal chocolate chip from Potbelly while you're at it.  STAT.  Thanks.  Even my appetite is random.  It's a lifestyle.)