RANDOM THOUGHT ALERTS!!! (Vol. 1, No. 10)

Ever since I first saw "Sweet Love" on Music Video Connection as a youngster, Anita Baker has been in my top 10 favorite R&B singers of all time.  However, in the tradition of greats like Michael Jackson, James Brown and Michael McDonald, she has one "drawback" to her delivery: when she gets excited, her ability to enunciate suffers a bit.  Exhibit A: in the verse following the bridge on her 1990 single "Talk to Me", it always sounded like she was saying "hacienda"; in actuality, she says "across your face".  Right before going into the last round of chorus repetition, I always thought she said "you avoid my rush, you avoid my race, baby" when the factually correct translation is "you avoid my advice, you avoid my embrace, baby".  In all fairness, I don't have the best hearing in the world due to years of listening to music in my headphones nearly at full blast and only grasping the concept of protecting one of my greatest assets within the last decade.  Nevertheless, I know I'm not the only one who has looked at her like, "What the heck did you just say, lady?"  Now that I've graduated summa cum laude from The Big Dadi Scribbler School of Lyric Translation, let's roll with the rest of the nonsense--and trust, I do mean nonsense...

"OOH, A RAINBOW!!!"  For most of my childhood, it felt like the only time I'd ever see a rainbow would be in cartoons with a leprechaun scheming on that ever-elusive pot o' gold.  Imagine my pleasant surprise when I finally saw one for the first time in high school and my level of excitement was somewhere being higher than meeting the President of the United States and lower than seeing the late, great and eternal TV girlfriend Phyllis Hyman perform at Blues Alley.  So you'd think I wouldn't have been so amped to see at least 10-20 more in my lifetime since then, right?  Wrong, kiddo...as recent as two months ago riding around 5th & K Streets in Downtown D.C., I saw a rainbow smack dab in the middle of the sky and uttered this section's headline like I was a five-year-old kid--or a seventeen-year-old dork in my case.  However, my childlike response doesn't stop with the devil allegedly beating his wife.  Living the arborist's dream in the Fairland section of Silver Spring, I'm constantly around deer, bunny rabbits, frogs, foxes, geese and all types of woodland creatures and stop whatever I'm doing more often than not--even if that means engaging in intense staring contests with the youngest member in a family of deer.  (I'm willing to say I lost that one, but that's consistent with my losing record against kids in staring contests.)  Moral of the story: always leave room to be amazed...

"LET ME GET A FRY!"  Imagine working out religiously and eating right all week long (perhaps to your chagrin) while the fat kid in you has been clamoring for your cheat day.  Let's say you decide on McDonald's and land your hands on a piping hot carton of their world-famous fries--the science experiments which are arguably still the best fries that aren't classified as "seasoned".  (I don't wanna play spoiler, so more about that last tidbit in the next section).  As your mouth salivates at the thought of the salty sensations, your friends or your significant puts a slight damper on your foodie love fest with five dreaded words: "Let me get a fry!"  Why is this such a scary phrase?  Simple: whenever people ask for food in the singular, they always take in the plural--which seems to especially be a running joke among Black folks.  One fry = at least five fries.  One chip = at least ten chips.  One cookie = at least two cookies.  However, people know they can't pull the same stunt with stuff like chicken nuggets, exceptionally tasty orange chicken from a takeout spot or more than one bite of a really good cheeseburger.  Gotta draw the line somewhere, slim.  Keeping the greedy guts theme going--and perhaps building your ravenous appetite...

THE CHICKEN BOX WARS.  Much like the battle in Brooklyn's Marcy Projects over who's the best rapper between Biggie, Jay-Z and Nas (click here in case you don't know Jay-Z references like the back of your hand like I do), many have raised their blood pressure levels arguing over who has the best fried chicken in all of the land among the major franchises.  Two things before we begin: 1) if Roy Rogers were still around, their fried chicken would crush everybody on this list and 2) unless we're talking Church's from like the 80s, we can go ahead and eliminate them from the conversation.  Now I'm gonna simplify this to four major categories starting with specialty beverages and sides.  Since KFC serves Pepsi products, including the syrupy-and-devil-awful Lipton Brisk Tea, they're disqualified.  That only leaves room for the sweet tea concoctions of Bojangles' and Popeyes and Bojangles' wins by a field goal.  As far as sides, KFC's mashed potatoes and potato wedges are the best they have to offer and the green beans are okay, but they'd be better off using Kraft Macaroni and Cheese; Bojangles' Bo-tato Rounds are my second favorite hash brown/tater tot-like side behind Chick-Fil-A's while their cajun fries crush their actual chicken; and sans their green beans, you can't miss with any of Popeyes' sides--although I'm not as big on their fries anymore as I used to be.  Edge: Popeyes.

Now for the two most important areas of The Chicken Box Wars: the biscuits and, of course, the good ol' dirty bird.  First off, do y'all know anyone who enjoys KFC's biscuits?  I mean, seriously...in a month, they might have one or two good days where the biscuits crank while serving bricks and table props the other 27 to 30 days.  That narrows it down to Popeyes and Bojangles', and as much as I always save my Popeyes biscuit until the end, spread my strawberry jelly on top of the biscuit and treat it like dessert, their reign of having the best biscuits has long been over as Bojangles' wins decidedly.  Blasphemous, you say?  Then try cutting open a Popeyes biscuit, slicing a piece of chicken breast and making a bootleg sammich...after that fails, get a Cajun Filet Biscuit from Bojangles' and tell me that ain't pooping all over whatever Annie the Chicken Queen could conjure.  As for the chee-cone, KFC's grilled chicken has surpassed their fried chicken and strips, which is counterculture; although Bojangles' filets and tenders are the stars of the show, the rest of their fried chicken arsenal is forgettable; and although all of Popeyes' fried chicken leaves this weird texture in my mouth and I'm not as enamored with their strips as I used to be, they're still the undisputed champs.  I know some of my picks are going to cause controversy, so y'all can use that nice little space at the end of this post to air out your grievances...

"MUSIQ MAKES MUSIC FOR BETA MALES!"  In one of those love/hate surveys that floated around social media for all of a week or two, one of my favorite Facebook friends made that hilarious comment as he listed "neo-soul" veteran Musiq Soulchild as his most hated singer.  At first, I felt some kind of way because 1) I never knew anybody who hated Musiq and 2) I don't consistently exhibit typical alpha male characteristics, so I felt like I was the audience at whom he threw shade.   What I found interesting is how all of the analyses on beta male characteristics were done by alpha-male-driven sites--including one listing such traits as "focused on doing what other's want them to do", "too nice", "always searching for perfection", "avoids conflict and confrontation", "passive aggressive", "sensitive and emotional", "hiding mistakes and flaws", "repress their feelings", "feels guilty" and "does not put himself first".  Now while I am admittedly guilty of darn near the entire list except four areas--especially "not seen as sexual" because "sexy" has been thrown around to describe me more in my 30s than ever before--the reason why my friend's beta male assertion is interesting has less to do with traits and more to do with charts.  If looking through the lens of alpha is first and beta is second, then Musiq is the quintessential beta male because he has never had a No. 1 R&B hit, but guess what he does have?  That's right...he has four No. 2 hits--"Love", "Halfcrazy", "B.U.D.D.Y." and "Teachme"--and a No. 3 hit in "Dontchange".  Moreover, Musiq doesn't make anything falling into the "sexually charged" category and his biggest hits are the most inoffensive, "I don't have to take charge" anthems ever made.  

(BONUS SIDEBAR: forget Musiq...I blame Ralph Tresvant.  As a young bull who kept swinging and missing with the girls back in the day, songs like "Sensitivity" and "Stone Cold Gentleman" were the proverbial gallon of grape Kool-Aid with lemons and I gulped the entire joint down all by my lonesome.  Ironically, only "Sensitivity" went No. 1 while his other big hits including "Stone Cold Gentleman", "Money Can't Buy You Love" and the not-as-beta-but-still-kinda-beta "Do What I Gotta Do" were...wait for it...second or third.  Is this what my homie Ransom Rellic meant when he said "second place is first loser"?!?!  Le sigh...)


Now that I've effectively dried my "sensitive and emotional" tears on a napkin soaked with biscuit butter stains from Bojangles' while looking out my window to see deer scamper through the woods and still being unable to understand WTF Anita Baker is talking about...(catches breath)...it's your turn to share some of your most off-the-wall thoughts in the comments.  Don't forget to come back next time for another wild and crazy edition of "RANDOM THOUGHT ALERTS!!!"  (However, I cannot promise your hypertension and high cholesterol won't be affected next time around.)