RANDOM THOUGHT ALERTS!!! (Vol. 1, No. 2)

After a successful first entry in the "RANDOM THOUGHT ALERTS!!!" series, I thought that it would be a few weeks before I'd have another set of randomness for your enjoyment.  However, I underestimated myself as I not only came up with four more in a short amount of time, but I also have a few already on standby for next Tuesday.  Speaking of four more, the reason why I decided to post a picture of one of my favorite rappers of all time, The Notorious B.I.G., is because I thought about his line from "Last Day": "Nine-hundred and ninety-six grams, you need four mo'."  Yeah...that's how my beautiful mind works, so all forty something of you who decided to view last week's batch of madness signed up for this.  Hence, you must now commit to it and subject yourselves to even more shenanigans because the party's just beginning...

STAY GOLDEN.  When elderly people are featured in commercials about having falls in their home, the occasional overacting can present a comedic element that shouldn't exist.  However, seeing the seemingly-eternal Betty White in a Philips Lifeline commercial took away all of the potential giggling.  In the ad, the 94-year-old White said, "I was nervous about living alone.  What if I fell?  How would I get help?"  I'm not gonna lie: I got sad because so many of my childhood heroes in music, TV and film have passed away and seeing White in a commercial for a medical alert system made her mortal despite still being active in Hollywood and her bulletproof cultural relevance less than six years shy of the century mark.  We're talking about Betty White...Rose Effing Nylund...The Pride of St. Olaf...The Golden Girls, easily one of my favorite TV shows of all time.  Much like I once wanted Mr. "Young Forever" Jay-Z to rap until he was 50, I want the last remaining Golden Girl to live until she's like 130.  Interestingly enough, facing the reality of White's mortality made me think of two other things I thought about as a young bull.  First, I thought that George Burns would never die, asking my mother year after year, "Is he still alive?"  Although he passed 20 years ago at the ripe age of 100, it still seems like he and his signature cigars lived even longer.  Second, I remember being unable to imagine any member of New Edition either as old men or passing away.  The unfortunate irony is that although Bobby Brown has had a hard life, he has outlived two of the women closest to him--his ex-wife Whitney Houston (one of those aforementioned childhood heroes) and their daughter Bobbi Kristina.  As much as we want people to live forever, death is as certain as taxes.  So knowing that a lot of entertainers bite the bullet when they stop working, I need Betty White to keep acting for as long as her body will allow and I also need not to ever see that Philips Lifeline commercial again...

THE JEDI MASTERS OF THE STANK FACE.  In one of my favorite movies of all time, The 40-Year-Old Virgin, I have always giggled when a drunk driving Nicky (Leslie Mann) tells a panicked Andy (Steve Carell), "You have kind eyes."  Conversely, I would never say that to any of the people described in this section, drunk or sober.  Although there are a lot of people of different backgrounds who have the "resting b---h face" on lock, no other race of people have seemed to master it, the "Negro please" face or the Frankie Faison from Coming to America "okay, now what the f--k do you want" face like a lot of us Black folk--especially men and women of a certain age.  Perfect example...whenever I catch the Red Line after about 10 o'clock, there is this one station manager in particular--a Black woman who has to be in her late 40s/early 50s.  Granted, she's never been outright rude and she'll speak when spoken to, but it ain't show ponies and unicorns when she does.  Her natural facial expression is pretty much, "Just walk the other way."  Then there are a lot of brothers that are around my age or a little older--often husky dudes who drive oversized SUVs with Maryland tags--that give me every bit of upper echelon a--hole.  The type that will cut you off on the highway and then look at you like you're crazy because you got in his way.  The type of dude that would bang his chick's sister, but blame her for making the fatal mistake of introducing them.  Don't get me wrong, I don't put it past any of these folks to be big softies behind closed doors to whomever they feel like being kind.  Nevertheless, these models of facial congeniality more often than not leave you feeling like Peter Griffin after listening to Lionel Richie's "Hello": "Who hurt you?"  Speaking of unfriendly-looking folks...

THE MOST MISERABLE HUMAN BEINGS ON EARTH AWARD GOES TO...parking enforcement officers in any jurisdiction.  It's like the agencies purposely weed out anyone with a cheery disposition or a positive outlook on life.  We're talking people who seem to be mad at the world because they don't have control over anything or anyone, aren't getting laid often enough and have to refrain from loud pack consumption because they're getting piss tested regularly.  As evidenced from the picture above, it's such a "I don't care" profession that even the people responsible for labeling the parking enforcement vehicles are misspelling words.  Very few of them make eye contact with or fix their lips to speak to anyone who isn't a fellow officer.  In all fairness, parking enforcement is a dirty job that somebody has to do and I'm sure that you have to possess that "f--k your feelings" gene when handing somebody a $50 ticket for being twenty seconds away from going over their meter time.  However, the rest of society should not have to suffer for someone else's questionable choice of employment.  I'd bet my entire TSP that not one of you could count on one hand how many remotely cordial parking enforcement officers that you've encountered in your entire life and fill up your whole hand.  You know how many I've run into in the 19 years that I've been driving?  A grand total of two.  One guy was a constituent of the D.C. councilman that I worked for back in 2003 who I helped to get hired as a parking enforcement officer with the D.C. Department of Public Works, but he wasn't yet tainted.  The other was an officer that politely asked me to move my car out of a crosswalk last week.  So at my current rate, I can expect to run into the next parking enforcement officer who's not a complete and total douche bag somewhere around my 50th birthday.  Super...

THE Z13 CHRONICLES.  Truth be told, that should be the alias of this series as it perfectly embodies the spirit of randomness.  Now try not to fall asleep standing up as I subject you all to yet another WMATA Chronicles/Geek of the Week moment and explain the story behind the featured bus stop sign.  (Yeah, I took that picture...I was pressed...and what?!?!  I'm committed to my stories.)  When I moved to Silver Spring two years ago, I always noticed how there was rarely anyone on the Z13.  That's because the geniuses at Metro decided to run an express bus in the opposite direction of its heaviest ridership during rush hour.  So for the better of two years, I would say with much exasperation, "What is the point of the Z13?!?!  GET RID OF IT ALREADY!!!"  Well, after conducting a lengthy ridership study of the Z buses, Metro finally listened to logic and the Z13 is now defunct as of a few months ago.  However, the people responsible for replacing signs along Briggs Chaney and Robey Roads didn't get the memo as there are plenty that still include the Z13 as a route in operation.  In particular, the original sign at this intersection was knocked down like a month ago and wasn't replaced until a week or two ago...with a brand new sign with misinformation on it!!!  Those one or two people who actually caught this bus but don't keep up with the latest Metro news like I do will continue to think that they can skip the trip around White Oak, hop on a Z13 at like 4:30 on a Tuesday afternoon and get to Silver Spring Metro Station in like 25 minutes.  Nope...because as much as Metro wants to keep raising fares, they don't even spend money to make sure that their signs are correct.  Heck, the sign at Briggs Chaney Park & Ride said "Silver Srping" for at least a year before they finally changed it and many Z8 buses have an extra "N" in "Greencastle Park & Ride" on their LED displays, so maybe I'm asking too much.  Maybe DPW and Metro are in cahoots somehow, but that's another random story for another random day...

C'mon...you know you've had a random thought or two or ten lately.  PLEASE don't let me the only weirdo on this post and share your random thoughts!